Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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