Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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