This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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