id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
