Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
