So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
