Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
