Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
