Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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