I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
vagina is talking i cant
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Randomize
