So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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