I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
