Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
