I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Watching her eat just hurts me
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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