I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
