I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
