Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
