Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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