I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
