You're earring is so big in my mouth
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
