Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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