i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
