the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
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Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
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50% drunk capacity currently
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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