so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
