that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
