apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
