You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
