My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
and you fell through a lawn chair
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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