there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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