That's intense
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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