Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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