You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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