Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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