he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
