The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
