I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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