Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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