I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
