God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
