I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
