the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
