Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
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I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
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So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid