it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
