Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize