Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!