"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
