When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Randomize
