this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
