Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
