so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
