I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm determined to sit on that face.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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