apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
