i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
