the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
we should paint friendship bongs
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
