She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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