Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
