I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
