You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
